How nice

Muma: How nice if we have puasa but no Hari Raya eh?

Lin: THEN WHATS THE POINT?!?!

Muma: Aiya, when you reach my age then youll understand. (Shes referring to the cleaning up etc)

Lin: Lol ya. Oh well, enjoy while i can lah. ^^

Dad: HAHA ya correct!!!

Haha, enjoi some of these Syawal Prep photos~

Snapped with the boyfriend D3K. :3

Just discovered the power of editing.

Had some intense editing tryouts and realized how powerful they are in changing the quality and look of a photo.

However, i dont fully believe in edits/editing when you have such an amazing camera.

I think it sort of defeats the purpose if you snap a photo with a good camera and then edit it.

Its like, youre losing all the "natural" good quality the camera gives you.

But editing is fun. :)

So how do you like my Muma's Pineapple Tarts?!

Theyre authentic and traditional and yummy and super cute you know lol.

And theres Mars Frosties.

And my sister Ezt's awesome sugees~ :3

And isnt my Dad so cute lol.

Ahhhhhhhhh theres so much more to do though.

I dont know, i just love Hari Raya Aidilfitri since i was a kid.

When i was in primary school my Mum would take me to the market every HRA morning to buy fresh flowers.

But things change too much too fast.

HRA is just never the same anymore, its losing its importance and especially enthusiam and that is just the saddest thing to me.

Year by year it fades.

And the feeling when you wake up on a HRA day is just very different, it feels good and carefree and familyized and happy.

Not sure if i will feel that this year.

Oh yes, i got to hang on the phone with this babe on the left with the halo on her ear last night hahaha.

Joy~

So, yup.

I just want to shut my eyes and ears now because i feel so useless and troublesome.

You guys do know i hate making difficult for you right?

And i hate it when you act like you dont understand.

Im made to try things i dont want to and not let to try things i want to.

I guess its just not the time

but the time shall come.

Bang. Thud. Drop.

Heres a photo of my Torto kissing my huge carebear.

Or maybe its the other way round, i dont know.

Pretty cute.

My left leg hurts so bad i am so scared.

You know i love you.

Goodbye

Wut izz gud.

Whats good.

I went home, of course.

In my favorite top.

Which i can hardly fit in anymore.

I practically squeezed into it.

I cannot fit into my home clothes anymore.

4 more days.

I have no pants convinient enough for my painful leg.

I cant think of any simple tops i could fit in.

God, i cant think of anything.

Going out would spell troublesomeness..

Online shopping would take too long and the sizes..

Im guessing my size is gonna go up like my cheeks did..

Plus the mad rush at cleaning up the house baking cookies cooking dishes cleasning up the house decorating the house for Hari Raya..

No time to find replacements for this new body of mine.

Oh God, give me strength to accept all that youve given me and put my way and to overcome all these obstacles please.

I need it, i need You.

Strength to accept and get used to me now.

To believe that it will pass and i will get the chance to be who i finally want to be, and to go back to who i was.

I just cant get used to this body yet.

I just cant look at myself in the mirror fully yet.

I just..need.....

"Allah masih sayangkan kaklina(me), tu pasal dia masih kasi kaklina chance, tenaga dan semangat nak baik balik. Pelan pelan nanti insyallah baik. Semangat mesti kuat."

- Grandmummy said this to me today.

Semangat mesti kuat.

Trying to kuatkan my semangat and holding it there is probably the hardest, but sometimes i hardly realize im doing so.

That is very important, though.

Must have the will.

Anddddddd, of course the smile.

It will help everyone else too :)

Ah, this is all supposed to be in "the story".

Today im in my new PJs Grandmummy bought me.

Should i add on more bracelets?

That pock-cat is so cute.

You know i love you.

Goodbye

HTC

Hi hullo.

It is 1049pm this Tuesday night.

But its not just a Tuesday night now is it.

Yup, its the last night of this hospitslinsation. :)

Mkay before you read on any further, allow me to just warn you this post will be just more of my thoughts.

Mmm, so you can leave as you like.

(But read my other posts too first and please do come back okay heheh meh)

I shall just very shortly categorize and summarize everything up for you.

I WILL STILL BE WRITING A WHOLE DAMN STORY ABOUT THIS.

For my eyes only, if you dont care.

If you do, please do ask for it..? :)

Ward 85

So yes, looking back at Day 1, i cant say whether life has been better or worse.

I, however, would not like to compare both Days.

I was stronger, could still stand and walk a little then, but i was weak inside.

It was so easy for me to crack and cry, i thought ive been through alot already, so i went soft.

I also remember just agreeing and saying yes yes yes to all the procedures suggested.

I teared up at the suggestions, and asked silly questions.

Questions that only mattered at that point of time, but not long after.
I was so stupid for being so shallow, but whats past is past eh.
85 wasnt that bad, was where i was introduced to Speech Therapy, then my OT came with the new Physio, and then with the new OT.
85 wasnt that bad, the nurses there were lovely and friendly and were so much of help.

85 wasnt that bad, it was sort of the place where the new doctors and medical students sort of test their newest skills on you so youre sort of unlucky if they do it wrong cuz it means theyre gonna have to do it again.....sort of.

Nah, 85 wasnt that bad.

I had many visitors!

I just really, really didnt expect to leave 85 the way i did.

Never expected.

Never.

.

CICU

I can never forget.

The first few words i heard was "Theyre going to bring you down to ICU...." amongst my desperate attempts at coughing trying to desperately get rid of my phlegm, and then i started crying and shaking my head like crazy, repeating what i tried to make it sound like a firm "I DONT WANT. I DONT WANT. I DONT WANT." but in the end only sounding like a bloody weak "i doh wanh. i doh wanh.. i doh wah...." and i was on oxygen mask so in the end they still did wheel me down.

Lol i think CICU got the most tears.

I can so vividly remember that one Monday they told me they had to shift something down to my left leg and i was so bloody scared and worried i cried the whole day, literally.

I would tear up any time i think about it, at any seconds i could cry, i did.

I remember being asleep one afternoon after PP and then my Physio came and i really didnt have the energy and will to move, and i started crying.

Like a child.

I remember being suctioned and involuntarily crying.

I remember fighting with the bipap machine which was actually keeping me breathing because i was a little too weak to do it on my own and in case i forget to in my sleep.

Too much, too much to remember.

Will write it in the longer version.

But in CICU, there were probably just about

1) Family. There for me. every. single. day.

2) Friends and teachers. Close or not, they came without even informing me, even though they couldnt enter.

3) Nurses. The nurses there were just bloody lovely, cant say more.

4) Therapists and Specialists. Really, really kept me alive lol.

It was all so scary there.

Oh that was also where i was introduced to my Play and Music Specialist :)

...And also my other Physios lololololoooooooooool

I didnt really wanna leave CICU in the end, i was scared to leave.

It was like i trusted that place for some reason.

BUT I DID. :P

High Dependency.

Probably just the place where i got my inside life back.

I mean, it was almost just hardcore therapy and treatment and catching up with my abilities and social life, almost.

Place is far different from 85/CICU, though, in so many (different) ways.

But, yeah, felt i got Lin back here.

Not entirely, though.

I have nothing much to say yet, surprisingly.

Probably cuz i havent left yet.

I like this room :(

But ill be back next week anyway.

AH.

The time now is 1207am, Wednesday.

In twelve hours, i will be home.

I wish i could share with you this little feeling i feel at the thought of home after almost two months.

Its better, i suppose.

Looking forward to the things planned to happen at home.

Cookies ahhh yeahhh~ :3

I shall write in more interestingly next time.

Just thought id let some touchy thoughts out.

Appreciate what you have.

Dont waste time crying over teenage love, or on make up, or whos hating on who, or if you should hate who back or not or..

Live, laugh, study, learn, love, eat, run, paint, make people feel better, make YOURSELF feel better.

Make the world a better place.

Heal the cookie.

This is what i look like on my last night of this 66 days.

My English is crashing, so is the rest of me.

Time for my midnight meds.

You know i love you.

Goodbye

Twonight,

I am truly going to miss every little person, every little thing, every little session.
Change, truly is, an idiot.

Yell-o

HULLLLLLLLLO

Just having some fun editing.

How yellow of me.

Also have been having some fun learning and playing and gonna try adding tunes and stuff to Yelllow by Coldplay on the keyboard with Music Therapy.

Really, really fun :3

So ive got pretty great news.

By next week (Tuesday) i am most probably going to be able to go...

BWAHAHAHA yes, may you see?

HOME!.

(Btw yes i did that myself lololo)

I must say, i am pretty excited to 1) wear all the clothes i have abandoned at home 2) BAKE HARI RAYA COOKIES! 3) be somewhere ive been livin all my life in comfort joy sadness 4) be with my family once again 5) see my yell-o wall and mi bed 6) BAKE HARI RAYA COOKIES!

Yep, one of the (only) things i look forward to is just to bake and cook.

I just hate the fact that i just got used to the daily stuff here which is to wake up at 830am to breakfast to cleaning up to physio to more therapy or plasmapheresis to laptop to sleep,

and now everything will have to change again and ill sort of have to get used to being in my own home (which is rather ridiculous),

and what more having to travel back to the hospital (hopefully) at least 1ce a week for treatment.

Really seems like alot of change to me.

At least there'll be no more doctors who keeps checking up on me.

But i am so going to miss all my therapists :'(((((((((((((((((((((

My physio only does inpatients play and music prolly wont have follow ups and for physical OT i miss my previous one and loooooove my emotional wellbeing one so..

im feeling rather anxious.

But ive troubled enough people by being hospitalised so..

Moving on, as for

Im not quite ready yet.

I know i cant wait to BAKE HARI RAYA COOKIES! but im thinking of so much right now.

So much.

When all the visitors(?) come, they will SURELY go "OH AW LOOK AT YOUR CHEEEEEEEKS DAH TEMBAMMMM SO CHUBBY NOWWW!!!!!!"

And i dont want that

No i dont want that..

I want Hari Raya but i dont want to meet so many people yet.

I want to buy and wear high heels like last year but i wont be able to walk in them.

I am also wearing bajus which ive tailor-made earlier this year which ive never worn before and thats fine cuz i think theyre pretty hehe..

So, bottomline is i pretty much aint ready to face people.

HOWEVER, i have the excuse to wear a surgical mask BWAHAHA maybe i should try that :3

Oh yes, tomorrow my dear friends will be getting their O Level MT results.

That should be me there being one of them, with them.

All the very best my dear friends i love you allllllllllllllllll :}

I should end this post now as i could go on forever.

Oh yeah wanted to leave you with this.

How adorably genius can a website get?

If Google was a Man id marry him and oogle at him all day hehe.

Mkay its about 813pm now im going to eat some sambal sotong kering watch some P. Ramlee then fall asleep just before midnight and wake up at 830 again tomorrow..

Two questions before i go.

Do you like Yellow? (I know my best friend does lol)

Are you afraid/scared/fear of PAIN? (Because i know i am, very very much, and i dont know why because its after all just a feeling, no? :/ )

Oh yes, and the OT made me try to stand up today.

I could feel my feet touch the surface of the floor but my knees were just plain weak and i could hardly bear any (damn) weight onto my legs..

It felt like the worst feeling ever.

No, it wasnt.

I just cant describe what its/it felt like.

I just cant describe it.

I just cant describe.

I just cant.

I just.

I.

.

How so very yellow of me.

You know i love you.

Goo(gle)dbye

Sunday's sauce

Hullo my dear.

Allow me to feed you with my photos.

Look at what i woke up to yesterday afternoon :3

 Mail from Indiesin!

They are a lovely awesome online shopping site.

This ones called Aidie.

Hes probably my closest cousin, hes of the same age as i and we practically grew up together.

Our families used to live side by side, just next door, until they moved away a few years ago. :(

I dunno, he taught me skateboarding and stuff that i never liked but grew to lol.

He is highly annoying and sometimes extremely noob but incredibly lovely if he chooses to like you hahaha.

Alright enough compliments about him.

Oh yes he also said he looks "handsome, charming.." in these photos.

You have no idea how shocked he was at how chubby i am now.

No idea.

*Shake that* LOLOL

Here is i feeling pretty showing me huge nostrils bwahahah

And also showing off the gauze and Tagederm that is stuck on my chest.

Yup its a lazy empty Sunday afternoon and theres nothing for me not to love about it.

I can now straighten my left leg.

I can almost safely say i feel no more pain there.

About 97% there.

I hope Mum doesnt fall sick.

Last night i had a mini breakdown because i was slightly affected about my body.

In 2010 i remember i allowed myself to eat whatever i wanted.

Whatever i wanted.

With total no control.

I remember thinking "its alright, im still skinny" and just nomnomnom.

And then it got to the point where people started to notice that i was gaining weight.

The worst part was that other people noticed it instead of me noticing it myself.

And that is sad.

A guy who liked me then even started texting all my friends saying "Did you notice she got fat?" and going "Can you make her stop eating?"
It really hurt but hes a bloody jerk so i dont give a heck.

I gained weight really fast and i just had no idea how much it was goimg to affect me.

My confidence obviously crashed but i thought "I eat when im sad and you can never make me happy" but thank God i didnt go anorexic or bulimic or whatever.

I still accepted myself and if that jerk couldnt accept me and my body for who i am then he certainly didnt know what hes missing.

And now things are pretty much different.

I still do eat what i want but my cheeks are bloomin now is not because of that.

Its because of my medications.

And that, obviously, i cant control.

So seeing other skinny girls with skinny genes can sometimes be a hard prick to my teen mind.

Although i am certainly thankful for my healthy (enough) body and the fact that i am not obese, i do sometimes have thoughts of having an "ideal" body.

Dont we all? ;)

So yeah, people shouldnt just say things because people dont understand.

Its a really good thing that i eventually get over stuff.

So ill hit the gym when im outta here.

Alright, so im just waiting for the father and brother and then Mum is gonna hoist me up into the wheelchair and then im gonna have a trip around the hospital hehehe finally.

Grandmummy also cooked me sambal sotong which is lovelyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.

Till then.

Whats in your Sunday sauce??

You know i love you.

Goodbye

PS HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY DAVEDAYS OLIVE YOU!!!!!!!! HEHE when he was still in his green polos ahhhhhhhhhhhhh :3

PSS IT HAS BEEN EXACTLY 1 YEAR SINCE YOG AWW I MISS IT SO MUCH HERES THE BLOG POST FOR MY YOG 2010 HEHE I MISS ALL THEM DANCERS :( :B

http://hustleen.blogspot.com/2010/08/yog-august-14th-2010.html

Nejistota

Hullo.

And they say every picture tells a story, speaks a thousand words.

Nuff said.

Tell me what you think?

You know i love you.

Goodbye

FAQ 4RM U

HULLO!

Its currently 828am on a Tuesday morning and it is also Singapores birthday today.

I have two new posts ideas to post which i thought of posting together but.

So heres a free FAQ session for you lovely people!

> What happened?

> Well, its not that i dont wanna tell you, im just not ready yet.. Maybe if you ask me privately ill tell ya. ;)

But ill tell you this; weakness in all 4 limbs.

> When did it happen?
> The "sickness" (i am NOT sick) began 31st March 2011, still stuck here with me.

> When/How long have you been hospitalised?

> Admitted on 27 June 2011, still here today on 9 August.

First 2 pictures on 1st day. 3rd pictures taken last two days heheh.

Yes yes, notice how my cheeks have puffed.

> Had a ride in an ambulance?

> OH YES!

> Shifted how many times?

> 3. General Ward to Children's ICU July 9th i think to High Dependency July 26th.

4, if you count Isolation, which i grew to love lol.

> Hows the food?

> Koko Krunch with milk is the best theyve served so far.

> Isnt it boring? What do you do?

> Not really. iTouch and laptop now that i can move my hands. I get visitors from the absolute awesome family and friends most of the time. Theres my Mum and procedures almost everyday. Also, theres Therapy :}

> Stitches?

> A few.

> When will you be discharged?

> I dont know, ive stopped thinking about that honestly.

> Might you have hit some praying thingies that gave you the weakness?
> Nah personally dont think so.

> Missing anything/anyone?

> Yes of course, too many.

> How bout your studies?

> Taking my Os in my current school next year :((((((

> Fasting?
> About 16 pills to take everyday and other stuff entering my bloodstream so guess not haiz :(

> Worst thing that have happened?
> Hm, has to be breathlessness. Happened 2ice, not being able to breathe is the worst feeling ever. You try so hard but your lungs wont expand, you try to relax while desperately trying to get a good normal breath while praying you dont stop and is freakin desperate for something that will help but help is so slow. You dont want that.

> Ok?

> Finnis!

Meh sorry if it turned out to be a boring post :/

Ill add in more questions if you ask me haha.

Few things i dislike about being here is how people see me as "sick", i am not sick.

And how i kinda make people visit me like as if they have no lives but i really really love visitors.

My favorite ward would be the CICU because the staff there are extremely lovely i miss them so much :(((((((((((((

Please bring me food and bracelets if you come visit me.

I shall bore you no more.

Gosh, im puffy moonfaced now. Very. EXTREMELY.

You know i love you.

Goodbye

MEHMEHMEH

Hullo!

Yes ive been hospitalised for more than a month now but i shall not bleaugh.

Heres some pictures?!.

Meh,

It is 1149am on a Saturday and i am about to start my next treatment with my new line.

Anddddddddddd its all good :)

Been liking therapy, theyre like friends.

Am writing a mysteryish story with Play.

Doing homework with OT.

Trying out new cool stuff with Music.

Ive sort of opened up, been saying yes.

It makes everything more fun and interesting.

I love therapy.

Mkay thats all for now okay hehe :B

I want millions of that type of bracelet and that green dressing towel.

And, i love it when i get visitors *hinthint*

You know i love you.

Goodbye